Director's Message
Finding Rhythm and Purpose July/August 2008
I am writing this month from the Oregon Coast. I can see and hear the Pacific Ocean between the houses behind us. My in-laws have lived here full-time since retirement, in a home built as a summer cottage by his father when they first developed the area in the 1920s. My father-in-law was a college professor, enabling them to spend summers here for years, and the family has continued to gather in August almost annually.
My father-in-law is 92 and my mother-in-law is 91. Over the past three years, it’s been increasingly challenging for them to live independently, though they want to stay here in their home. The family has explored several options, which has been difficult from the distances of Hawaii, California, Boston and Pennsylvania. One sister-in-law has been with them full time since early December. She felt so strongly that family care was the only acceptable choice that she has put her life on hold. We are giving her respite by covering June, while the other sisters will cover July and August, and then she will return.
When I arrived, I knew I had a lot to learn about their daily routines, dietary requirements, medication regimens, etc. But what I observed with awe is the delicate rhythm of the dance of their lives. My sister-in-law has been so dedicated and tuned-in that she met many of her parents’ needs without their notice. She has fine-tuned how she helps them find their way with dignity and a sense that they are making choices. In the few days we had together, she showed me how their lives flow like waves, so she senses when to move in and out just when needed. They, in turn, have been more open to assistance and guidance. There is a new feeling of being at peace with their lives, genuine gratitude for the gift of family care, and a tenderness I have not seen in the 30+ years I’ve known them.
I have slipped into this routine as seamlessly as I could. Life here goes at a different speed than I am accustomed to. Meals are leisurely, a time for connecting as well as nourishing. Decisions evolve from lengthy deliberation and frequent repetitions for hearing and cognition. I am reminded to slow down, and to make sure they know where I am going when out of sight. I listen to poems and letters written long ago and look at pictures of people I’ve never known. I find time to read and walk on the beach daily amidst the tasks of daily living. And I open myself to feel the rhythm of when to move in or out.
I think that one key to successful aging at this stage of life is continuing to find purpose. This has been more challenging as they have less mobility, fewer living friends and spend more time reflecting inward than connecting outward. My mother-in-law happily finds purpose in reviewing (“sorting”) letters and photos. My father-in-law finds purpose in monitoring events in the neighborhood, from the roofers across the street to the latest building development. Together we weed, tidy up and prepare meals.
Being a part of this stage of their lives has been a gift that I know strengthens my ability to help other family caregivers. I am grateful to my sister-in-law for showing me the rhythm of this life. Now I hope to share what I have learned with my husband when he joins me this weekend, who will pass it on to his other sisters, each of whom will also adjust the dance to fit who they are.
Susan W. Hoskins, LCSW
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Previous MessagesJune 2013 - Age Friendly Communities June 2013 - Age Friendly Communities May 2013 - Navigating a Changing HealthCare Landscape March 2013 - Navigating Life’s Transitions February 2013 - Partners in Caring Princeton January 2013 - Men as Caregivers December 2012 - The Safety Net October 2012 - Documenting Your History September 2012 - A Journey of Transformation July - August 2012 - Gratitude & Moving March 2012 - Patient-centered Care February 2012 - Can you Spare an Hour? January 2012 - Challenges & Opportunities December - Are you Prepared for Emergencies? October - Chocolate for Memory September- Looking Back and Looking Forward Lessons and Legacies, March 2011 Independent Living February 2011 Witness to my Life December 2010 Elections, benefits and open enrollment November 2010 Strategic Planning September 2010 Hiring Home Care December 2009 Annual Giving by Sharon Naeole November 2009 Flu Pandemic 2009 October 2009 Healthy Memory, Healthy Mind September 2009 A Personal Perspective on Caregiving July/August 2009 Wei Ji: Crisis, Danger and Opportunity April 2009 Write your own obituary March 2009 Hope and Vision in Challenging Times Medicare Changes 2008: Take A Look! December 2008 Scams, Frauds and Rip-offs November 2008 Engaged Retirement: Beyond Financial Planning October 2008 September 2008 Caregiver Dilemmas Finding Rhythm and Purpose July/August 2008 V + OA = ER (Volunteering + Older Americans=Engaged Retirement)May 2008 Have You Had the Talk Yet? March 2008 Get Moving with FitRhythms™! February 2008 What Are Social Services? November 2007 Plan for the Future September 2007 The Up-side of Aging Summer 2007 National Conference on Aging: Let's ReThink Aging April 2007 Season of Giving December 2006 April Hill McElroy October 2006 Civic Engagement September 2006 White House Conference on Aging May 2006 Are You Prepared? October 2005 Watch Your Language September 2005 The End of the Journey May 2005 New Dietary Guidelines February 2005 Civic Engagement with GrandPals October 2004 The Challenge of Giving Care May 2004 Seniors On The Move April 2004 Random Acts of Kindness December 2003 Civic Engagement November 2003 |